At a point where I wish, I didn’t have to do anything, that I didn’t put my heart out there on the line so I would never have the possibility of being hurt. Romantically or with extracurricular things. I dont’ like having things being taken from me. I’ve dealt with that enough in my life and don’t like to be put in those situations again. I really just want to quit everything, curl up into a ball and sleep forever. I am just a complete mess. I know there are people who will always have it worse, but at this point. I just feel absolutely terrible.
SWEAR THE INTERNET at UCR
I just want to take a moment.
I don’t think I appreciate my friends enough. If I do, i have a really shitty way of showing it. Today, I just realized how close I am to my friends and that I don’t know what I’d do if I lost any one of them. I know some of us have had our disputes, but that means nothing. That is all in the past and all of it is history. So I just want to say, if you are my friend and are reading this, I love you. I don’t think my words enough can explain how much I appreciate having you guys in my life. I thank you for putting up with me and all of of my bullshit really. I’m glad that you guys stay and don’t just leave because that’s what I expect sometimes. I really want to work hard and show you all, how much I care, and that I would do ANYTHING in my power just to be there for you guys. Kay that’s all for now <3
I feel as though the weight of midterms and things in my personal life are just going to completely collapse on top of me.
Ugh.
Some people in this class though.
UGH.
Hating everything right now.
You ever get the feeling that you just want to change every single detail of yourself and aspect of your life. Just completely take on a new identity because yours isn’t fucking good enough.
I want. to become a whore
then i remember i have low self-esteem and i can’t even comprehend the idea of guys even being able to see me sexually. then i just cry about my lack of love life.
Bitter.
Pretty sure I just had that breakdown that I was talking about.
Talked it out with Vincent however. made me feel better. And now i’m exhausted so I shall sleep.
Feeling sick to my stomach.
I honestly just hate it if someone has a problem with me but won’t tell me. I’m not psychic. I don’t know if I’m the cause of bad moods. But I would like to apologize, but how can I do that if I don’t even know what to apologize for. I don’t even know if its my fault. I hate when I am ignored/treated as if I don’t even exist. I’ve had to put up with that for so many years in my life and I’m not about to start again. I’m at a breaking point. It’s taking all of my willpower not to just breakdown right now. I’m already my own worst critic constantly putting myself down and not believing the things that people tell me are good qualities. Or understanding why people care about me. Being treated as if I’m not there doesn’t help me at all. I would at least like to be told, “oh hey, I don’t really feel like talking to you because -insert whatever reason here- But I don’t even get that. I just. I choose not to say anything because I really dislike conflict and I am fucking scared. I do not need all the bad qualities about me thrown back in my face which is what i fear will happen. I just don’t understand.
TODAY IS JUST NOT MY FUCKING DAY.
Even though nothing bad seemed to be happening. I am just having a bad day. I think I am mentally exhausted. Tired of my own shit. I just want to breathe… or fucking sleep forever. whatever works with me. this is fine. also, i need to fucking clean. but i have like negative energy. I don’t know how people keep going when they feel like every ounce in their body just telling them to just quit. I just. I guess i just need to channel all of my feelings into that one performance on Saturday. OR. I can have a massive breakdown and cry all of my feelings out which also might happen. Either one will work for me.
Watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2012 for the nth time lol
Great,
I’ve just been reassured how easy it is for someone to forget about me.
